We kept talking till 2 AM about how I will die. It was one of the most painful things I have ever heared. It wasn’t because I am probably going to die from an overdoze of drugs, shut in the head or maybe just killed by someone who hates me. I am supposed to meet a tall dark stranger (litteraly, do not think abouth Death himself) who will make me the worst I can possibly get. He will accept the fact that I am naturally insane and won’t do anything to help me get through. He will just be near me and slowly let me kill myself because he wouldn’t forbidden me anything. I will be the lonelyest and the loveliest person that man will ever know. That man will be bad, a very bad mistake. A mistake I will make just to not be on my own. It was painful as I heared those things because I really don’t want to admit that I am not going to be friends with him anymore. I am not going to ever be good enough again to see through his eyes and know if he likes me or not (You must see a video from skins to realise why i say like instead of love). We were talking for..some time. Mostly talking about how we have nothing left to talk about. I was and still am feeling empty. As I had the desire to make him carve his name into my arm I closed my eyes and saw myself. I saw myself at the age of five probably, walking alone in the corn searching for an orange cat and hiding on the ground so my grandpa couldn’t see me. I wish a snake would have appeared just to teach me that what I want is in most of the cases bad for me and I wish that even only one time one of my cats would have scratched me. As I was visualising this in my mind I realised that no matter how far I am running into the corn the cat is not going to appear in front of my eyes and instead something might come from behind me and bite my leg. All of a sudden I realised that I didn’t even want to find the cat anymore. I didn’t love it enough to let myself get bitten just to find him. I just went after him because he was mine. But not anymore, now he’s in the middle of the corn because I am hugging him all the time. A cat wants to be loved only when he is cold. Suddenly I felt nothing. I didn’t love the cat anymore. I don’t love him anymore. At least I think I don’t. But I would be a fool to think that if my cat would come back I wouldn’t love it more than ever.
I got again to the point when I only love the people who love me. The point where I am always losing myself.
Now I am alone in my room. He hadn’t said a world for fourty minutes and if he would check to see if I’m still awake I will probably pretend to be sleeping.
Be afraid. Be very afraid. I am gonna haunt all of you alter I die. You can keep calm for some more years from now cause I really like the way my hair looks in the sun and the taste of my own blood makes me sick. Sweet dreams.